Saturday, April 5, 2014

Reflections Of a Drifting Cloud

Shortly after writing how incredibly happy I am to be married to my wonderful husband, he slipped from the pedestal I'd place him upon. I know he's expecting me to yell at him and throw things, but I've tried to remain calm and think things through. Too often I go upon instinct and react poorly to life. I'm not saying my emotions are not justified. I believe mine are. When I am sad I cry. When I am angry I throw things. That's just me and I'm okay with that. At first, I went through the usual list of thoughts "I don't matter to him." , "I must be a bad wife for men to find me hard to love", then of course those negative thoughts led to "No wonder my daughter moved away", "No wonder our baby chose to go back to Heaven". After all, we all know I'm just a terrible, rotten, no good, nobody, loser like my ex used to say right? Or was Poor white trash like my daddy called me? 

I've been under the weather the past couple of days but I took it upon myself to go for a walk in the rain. There is something calming and clarifying about the rain. I walked through the woods with my umbrella and I assure you, had it not been for the swarm of blood thirsty mosquitoes, I would have stayed a bit longer. I sat briefly underneath a tree and watched the dark clouds moving quickly to my left. I began to meditate upon that cloud. The sky above is gray today, filled with gloom and darkness, and yet this one dark cloud filled with rain, kept moving along its journey. I personally adore the rain, hence my walking in it. I really wanted and desired with all of my heart for this cloud to pour down its abundance of refreshment upon me, but it did not. Had it, I would have been eaten alive by even more blood thirsty mosquitoes. 

I can be very stubborn. I know that I would have stubbornly played in the pouring rain despite being eaten by mosquitoes which I happen to be allergic to which would in turn make me more sick, but that's just me. I cry when I'm sad. I throw things when I'm angry. I love the rain. I ignore my needs to fulfill my wants. 

That sounds familiar. So as I watched my happy little storm cloud drift further away from me and a swarm so big I was beginning to picture myself as "Pigpen from Charlie Brown", I realized that I don't need to yell or throw things (not today anyway). My husband and I are just two very stubborn people stumbling through this journey of life together. 

As I began my walk back home, seeing how the rain had stopped and the mosquitoes had not, I breathed in the freshness of the Spring air around me. Everything recently washed and purified seemed more lovely than before. Flowers that had been dulled by pollen moments before, were now fresh and white with droplets still clinging to the petals. Nothing in the woods or on the path home had gone untouched by the loving caress of the Spring shower. Just as no one who we truly value in our lives should go unloved or be made to question our love for even a moment based upon their mistakes. 

As I marveled at the deep journey this one drifting cloud had carried me on, I stumbled upon a huge reminder of where this path leads to. Home, it's not just a building here on Earth, but it's a destination. Some of you might not know. My daughter, chose to leave her "home" here in Florida and go back to her "home" in Alabama with her birth father. Broken hearted? Of course I am, but I didn't try to hold her back. I know she would only rebel. After all, she is a teenager learning who way in this journey. Sadly she feels her journey has taken her into a world away from our Creator. She in turn chooses to believe in "nothing" and calls herself an "athiest". I, however, though I've strayed many, many times and out right run from God Himself, was never quite capable of believing in "nothingness" because I enjoy connecting with my Creator and His creations. 

As I continued to take in the beauty around me, I stumbled upon this..

A perfectly fallen cross. The ultimate symbol of love. 

How could I, being an imperfect sinner, not be as loving and forgiving as the Father has been to me? Yes, I do hold grudges and I do not trust easily. Once you break the bond of trust I hold in you, it is extremely hard to rebuild. That is, except for my husband and my daughter. My heart is always open to those two people. Am I hurt? yes. Do I feel betrayed? yes. I might even be angry, but I am not beyond forgiving and loving. 

I wasn't finished yet. As I arrived to my home, over heated from my muggy walk, I engulfed myself in a peaceful shower and imagined myself in a beautiful garden, bathing in a cool stream underneath the crystal clear water falls. My Creator wrapped me in His peace and love and I began to understand.

Life is simply to short to not embrace love and forgiveness. To remain in one place too long makes one stagnant. That little storm cloud had somewhere else to be, sadly I was not part of it's plan. As the shower rained down on me, I grew more and more curious. 

Where? I wonder. Where would the world be if people spent more time loving and less time trying to prove who's right? Taking Time to Love! Perhaps that will be my next short devotional book after the rewrite of "Taking Time to Breathe". 

And all of this illuminated, reflecting upon a simple dark cloud drifting across a sky of gray. 


~Sunshine Biondo~ 

Friday, April 4, 2014

Where to Begin?? An Update on Life

When I last updated this blog, last year sometime, I was dealing with the mixed emotions of my decision to leave my life and loved ones behind to move to Tallahassee and marry the man I met online and fell in love with instantly! 

So, first up - NO regrets. I am now very happily married, just shy of 8 months. We had a simple ceremony at the clerk's office on August 6, 2013, one year to the day after we met online.

We've had ups and downs....

Ups first - I found work as a nanny to twins. It sure keeps me busy and I'm learning a lot about special needs. I've been there for almost 18 months with no plans to moving on right away, though I'm trying to rekindle my passion for writing and make those dreams a reality. 

My husband found work, first at Pizza Hut, and most recently Dairy Queen. I'm very proud of him for over coming learning difficulties and never being afraid to try new things! 

We found a place to rent and made it our home. My daughter came to stay with us, but sadly she wasn't happy being away from her friends so within 3 months she was gone again!

Tragically, one month before she left we suffered through a miscarriage at 12 weeks, just 4 months after suffering through a miscarriage at 5 weeks. 

But now back to the Ups! Mike and I are very happy. We share the same love and bond that we shared in the beginning. Some may say its still our "Honey Moon" stage. I can't say. That stage ended about 4 months in with my ex-husband! What I have now is more than I could have ever dreamed of. 

The only thing that would make it more perfect is to be blessed with children and be able to finally become the writer that's inside of me just bursting to be set free! 

Maybe one day.......

Never say "good-bye". Only say

Until Then ~ 

~Sunshine Biondo~


Friday, November 30, 2012

A New Day, Deep Breath!

Moments after yesterday's post of sadness, struggle, and depression, the night took a beautiful turn which reminded me exactly why I gave it all up to be here! 

Me sitting on the swing petting the neighbor's cat 

Stealing a kiss from my Sweetie as we walked in the dark hand in hand 

Lying on the grass, staring at the night sky, having a good heart to heart



Thursday, November 29, 2012

My Yay God Story is coming!

With so many changes - good and bad - happening in my life this past year, I find myself struggling against depression. The more I look for ways to encourage others, the more discouraged I myself become. Its a battle I know all too well and I know, that no matter what, God is bigger! 

I've had a rough day emotionally. I began missing the dog I left and that led to missing my daughter. Then it just continued downward. The tears fell. My sweetheart left me alone so I could deal with my emotions. I'm still dealing - thus still alone. 

I think I need to do some serious praying because nothing seems to be getting me out of this funk. However, anyone who knows me, knows I don't go down without a fight. I will rise above this. But for now, I think I need to have some prayer time & I'd appreciate anyone reading this who would agree in prayer with me. Much Thanks ~ Lisa ~ 

I Found You, Finding Me

For those of you who knew me before my divorce, some of what I'm about to say might seem surprising. For those of you who have been inspired by my strength, I assure you I am nothing without God and the confession I am about to get off of my chest proves that all too well! 

This blog began days after my husband of 13 and a half years decided to end our marriage. I was searching for a way to keep the faith through hard times. As I would learn the hard way, the enemy was waiting just around the corner for me to let my guard down just enough to let him in - which unfortunately, I did. 

I made some terrible decisions while away from this blog! I will refer to them as J,N, and G. All three of these men, used me, played me, and left me. I, having not truly dealt with my emotions from the divorce, found myself floundering about looking for love in all the wrong places. 

If you ever find yourself in such a position, learn from my mistakes. Understand your worth! Just because your marriage or  relationship or job or whatever ended, YOU ARE VALUABLE TO GOD!!!!!

I forgot this fact somewhere along the way and succumbed to meaningless sexual relations, shamefully, three different times. I found myself depressed, numb from the pain, and just going with the flow of the world. I forgot that as a child of God there is a higher calling upon my life! 

I felt after my terrible mistakes, that God could no longer use me for his inspirational writing. I was drowning in my guilt and shame when something amazing began to take place in my life! 

On August 6, 2012, I met the most wonderful man online! He and I became fast friends and his own past opened my eyes to the truth and beauty of God's forgiveness and grace. 

Now, I am encouraged and strengthened, ready to continue on with this beautiful blog that was set up for the purpose of encouraging others. 

I apologize for stepping away from my devoted readers. I love and appreciate you all. I do regret the decisions I made while away, but through those experiences, I have grown. I now know that each Mr. Wrong forced a change inside of me and was preparing me for Mr. Right, whom I am now planning to marry very soon! 

Sadly, my beautiful daughter chose to remain in Alabama with her father (who is seeking help for himself and also happily in a new relationship). I miss my girl like crazy, but I know, God has everything under control. 

I still struggle with fear and doubt, worry, and anger, but I know two things for sure, God is not done with me yet & God gives second chances! 

Stay Tuned into this blog & join me on Facebook at http://www.facebook.com/author.lisam.biondo for information on the upcoming book of our unique and powerful love story "I Found You, Finding Me". 

I will try to update this blog as often as possible. I am currently seeking work, having just moved here a couple of weeks ago with nothing but a small bag of belongings. I am starting over with the love of my life & waiting to see what new and exciting blessings God has in store! 



Monday, March 19, 2012

~Taking Some Time Away~

If you've followed the ramblings of my life at all, then you know there hasn't ever really been an "easy" time for me. Currently we're living in a not so nice situation and place, friends are walking/running away rather than "being there for ya" (me). My daughter is hitting that lovely teenage mark, and I'm just trying to hold it all together and be civil when dealing with my stbx. 

It's certainly not easy and I've decided that some of my most loved pass times must be shaved off. This will include Facebook, Twitter, Gather, Redgage, various other side jobs I have online, and keeping up with most of my blogs. I've decided to update this one from time to time to avoid the calls and texts that come with leaving Facebook. 

I'm fine. I haven't lost my mind. I'm not giving up or thinking crazy thoughts, I simply cannot stretch myself any further than I'm being stretched. I have short term and long term goals for moving forward and since they are written down at home and I'm at work, after not getting my texts to come in because my phone is cheap, I got here late......so here's what I remember of those goals:

By May 4th we're to have an established savings account 

By August we're to have our emergency savings fund 

By December we're to be debt free 

We've pushed back the move to work on building the emergency savings fund. That's given my car lasts and I don't have to replace it. I think it will. I hope it will. 

Then there's a move to the lake and hopefully within 5 years my daughter and I will move to Florida, given she doesn't decide to do something else by that time, as she'll be about 18. Sooner if I land some great paying  job.

Plan subject to change given I'm swept off my feet my Mr. Right and he carries us off to Florida ahead of plans ;)

I'm no longer couponing at this time. Our food budget is $30 give or take, per week. Everything is split up into weeks until we're out of the hospital debt and moved back to Pell City. Then I'll start couponing to the (legal) extremes once again! 

These changes will be tough at first, but I feel they are necessary to cut down on the amount of stress I've been under trying to juggle everything all the while not having internet in my home! 


Feel free to stay in touch via email,message, or comments. I'll be checking them from time to time ~ ta for now ~

Friday, March 16, 2012

Giving my all and for what?

My frustrations carried throughout the night. I spoke with, probably my one and only true friend. They read my status on facebook and decided to check in on me. We talked for a long time about not caring what others think, who claims to be a friend and then leaves, who likes my photography page, who views my content, who reads my writing. I understand the just of what my friend is saying, but I see it differently. 

If I'm giving my all to everyone and nobody seems to care if I exist or not, well then, it all seems like a waste to me. Much like the wasted 14 years believing that God would heal a marriage just to be rejected and thrown away. Not to mention, the views I used to get helped pay for gas for the car and funded special trips to take more pictures. Now?.....Everything just feels like a failure right now. 

There's also something else that bothers me a lot. Its that song :( "Million Pieces" by the newsboys. It was my favorite! Then it was playing as I escaped from the p assault and it's never been the same song since. Last night I tried really hard. I waited until my daughter was sleeping and took my mp3 into a quiet room. I listened to other songs that trigger previous events, and I felt a little sad so then I listened to happier memory songs. I then played "Million Pieces" and immediately had a panic attack. I was so frustrated with myself that I listened to it, or parts of it, 4 more times! Each time I just felt drawn back  and overwhelmed by the pain and fear of that day.

I'm a very patient person, except when dealing with myself. I became very angry with myself. This all seems so stupid! To think that this song that meant SO much to me is now lost in some disturbing knot of memories. I can handle sad feelings from time to time but the panic is just too much. At some point after midnight I went to my couch and set the mp3 to playing all the newsboys. I fell asleep pretty quick but as soon as "MP" came around I nearly jumped out of my skin! 


I kept thinking about how depressing Wednesday night was and how I felt like a complete screwed up, hopeless mess when I left. Then I thought about my friend telling me that nothing is wrong with me. Then I tried to think about scriptures that would strengthen my thinking. Then I accidentally rolled over on the mp3, "MP" started and I startled again! Grrrrr I was so angry with myself that I wanted to throw my mp3.....except that I love it too much. 

I went to sleep listening to RED. I woke up listening to RED. I got ready listening to RED. 


Funny thing is, the song running through my head right now is actually "Million Pieces". Even now there's a hint of that sinking feeling, without the music, but there's also a tiny hint of joy which is what the song meant before. It doesn't seem like much, but I find it a little hopeful.

So even though I feel like giving up, I feel like deleting myself from the internet, I feel like secluding myself from the world, I guess I'll just keep giving it my all and not give up on myself.