Reflections Of a Drifting Cloud

Shortly after writing how incredibly happy I am to be married to my wonderful husband, he slipped from the pedestal I'd place him upon. I know he's expecting me to yell at him and throw things, but I've tried to remain calm and think things through. Too often I go upon instinct and react poorly to life. I'm not saying my emotions are not justified. I believe mine are. When I am sad I cry. When I am angry I throw things. That's just me and I'm okay with that. At first, I went through the usual list of thoughts "I don't matter to him." , "I must be a bad wife for men to find me hard to love", then of course those negative thoughts led to "No wonder my daughter moved away", "No wonder our baby chose to go back to Heaven". After all, we all know I'm just a terrible, rotten, no good, nobody, loser like my ex used to say right? Or was Poor white trash like my daddy called me? 

I've been under the weather the past couple of days but I took it upon myself to go for a walk in the rain. There is something calming and clarifying about the rain. I walked through the woods with my umbrella and I assure you, had it not been for the swarm of blood thirsty mosquitoes, I would have stayed a bit longer. I sat briefly underneath a tree and watched the dark clouds moving quickly to my left. I began to meditate upon that cloud. The sky above is gray today, filled with gloom and darkness, and yet this one dark cloud filled with rain, kept moving along its journey. I personally adore the rain, hence my walking in it. I really wanted and desired with all of my heart for this cloud to pour down its abundance of refreshment upon me, but it did not. Had it, I would have been eaten alive by even more blood thirsty mosquitoes. 

I can be very stubborn. I know that I would have stubbornly played in the pouring rain despite being eaten by mosquitoes which I happen to be allergic to which would in turn make me more sick, but that's just me. I cry when I'm sad. I throw things when I'm angry. I love the rain. I ignore my needs to fulfill my wants. 

That sounds familiar. So as I watched my happy little storm cloud drift further away from me and a swarm so big I was beginning to picture myself as "Pigpen from Charlie Brown", I realized that I don't need to yell or throw things (not today anyway). My husband and I are just two very stubborn people stumbling through this journey of life together. 

As I began my walk back home, seeing how the rain had stopped and the mosquitoes had not, I breathed in the freshness of the Spring air around me. Everything recently washed and purified seemed more lovely than before. Flowers that had been dulled by pollen moments before, were now fresh and white with droplets still clinging to the petals. Nothing in the woods or on the path home had gone untouched by the loving caress of the Spring shower. Just as no one who we truly value in our lives should go unloved or be made to question our love for even a moment based upon their mistakes. 

As I marveled at the deep journey this one drifting cloud had carried me on, I stumbled upon a huge reminder of where this path leads to. Home, it's not just a building here on Earth, but it's a destination. Some of you might not know. My daughter, chose to leave her "home" here in Florida and go back to her "home" in Alabama with her birth father. Broken hearted? Of course I am, but I didn't try to hold her back. I know she would only rebel. After all, she is a teenager learning who way in this journey. Sadly she feels her journey has taken her into a world away from our Creator. She in turn chooses to believe in "nothing" and calls herself an "athiest". I, however, though I've strayed many, many times and out right run from God Himself, was never quite capable of believing in "nothingness" because I enjoy connecting with my Creator and His creations. 

As I continued to take in the beauty around me, I stumbled upon this..

A perfectly fallen cross. The ultimate symbol of love. 

How could I, being an imperfect sinner, not be as loving and forgiving as the Father has been to me? Yes, I do hold grudges and I do not trust easily. Once you break the bond of trust I hold in you, it is extremely hard to rebuild. That is, except for my husband and my daughter. My heart is always open to those two people. Am I hurt? yes. Do I feel betrayed? yes. I might even be angry, but I am not beyond forgiving and loving. 

I wasn't finished yet. As I arrived to my home, over heated from my muggy walk, I engulfed myself in a peaceful shower and imagined myself in a beautiful garden, bathing in a cool stream underneath the crystal clear water falls. My Creator wrapped me in His peace and love and I began to understand.

Life is simply to short to not embrace love and forgiveness. To remain in one place too long makes one stagnant. That little storm cloud had somewhere else to be, sadly I was not part of it's plan. As the shower rained down on me, I grew more and more curious. 

Where? I wonder. Where would the world be if people spent more time loving and less time trying to prove who's right? Taking Time to Love! Perhaps that will be my next short devotional book after the rewrite of "Taking Time to Breathe". 

And all of this illuminated, reflecting upon a simple dark cloud drifting across a sky of gray. 


~Sunshine Biondo~