Growing up my home life was unstable, sometimes dangerous, and lacked faith. My teens years were even worse. I was told to leave home at the age of 17 and married at the age of 18. My health has always been an issue. I miscarried a child in the first trimester when I was 18, another in the second trimester when I was 23.
Blessed am I though, I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl when I was 19. Her early years were rocky, health wise, but she's growing up to be a very healthy young lady (who currently says she does not believe in God). My daughter is the joy of my life!
During my early 20's, financial strain and dishonesty began to pull on my marriage and I began seeking counsel to help with the stress. During that time, I was lured into a trap and barely escaped an attempted pastoral rape. I struggled on with my confusion and shame and tried to keep my faith, though it was extremely hard at times!
I eventually turned away from God, briefly, as my husband became more and more verbally and emotionally abusive towards me. When I was 24, I suffered an injury (also by a pastor) that triggered previous injuries, and left me temporarily paralyzed on my right side and unable to communicate well or remember familiar faces, places, or basic skills.
My injury further complicated my marriage and our finances and we lost yet another home and lived underground in a basement while I struggled to recover physically and regain memory of what had happened. My health continued to decline for a while, and my faith was very strained. I could barely remember who my child was, and was faced with a great deal of grief as family members and friends began to pass away through accidents, illnesses, murders, and suicides.
During this time of extreme hopelessness, I found hope, in a spiritual journey. I wrote a short devotional journal of the journey that brought me so much comfort and peace.
My right side strength returned enough for me to walk again and my family moved three more times. I home schooled my daughter while helping with special needs, children, and elderly. Life, for the times my husband was at work or gone fishing or vacationing alone, was peaceful and happy.
On December16, 2011, after my daughter and I had enjoyed a fun day of Christmas shopping, my husband informed me in an email that he no longer wished to be married. It seems that years and years of emotional and verbal abuse to myself and sometimes our daughter, is finally coming to an end. It's a bitter sweet feeling, watching a marriage that I had hoped would last forever, dwindle away, and yet realizing that for once, I don't have anyone belittling me anymore.
We began living as, as he put it, "room mates". However, I was very hurt and more focused on how I was going to give my daughter the most stable life that I could on a very limited income. The legalities were not worked out, Christmas was in a few days, and he was being very stingy with "his" money. I was determined to make it work!
My daughter and I had a temporary home for a while and were adjusting to our new "normal".
I was afraid, but I know now that my God does not forsake.
Truly, a new journey has begun for my beautiful daughter and I.
*UPDATE* 11/29/12
After leaving this blog for a while, I put my faith and life on the line, risking everything just to be loved. As I wandered farther from God, the enemy found his way in and lured me into one bad relationship after another after another. I made multiple moves, slept in my car for a few days, a motel for a few days, on various couches and in a stranger's bed. Having almost completely forgotten who I was in Christ, my decisions left me depressed and numb.
That is until August 6, 2012 when God opened my heart to receive his love and the love of a new friend. Quickly our friendship grew into more and though separated by 320 miles, we fell in love. Recently I took a HUGE leap of faith! My daughter decided to live with her dad (who I'm happy to announce is getting help with his issues and enjoying being a dad now), and I, with just a small travel bag in my hands, boarded a greyhound bus to move from my home near Birmingham, Alabama, to Tallahassee, Florida to become the future wife of the wonderful man I met online!
God has blessed us & has given us a second chance at love.....The journey continues.......
Update 1/1/2015
On August 6, 2013, I married my dream come true. We have been happily married for 1 year and just shy of 5 months as I write this. My daughter moved to Florida that following month. Then in October we found out we were expecting. Sadly a few days later there was no heartbeat found. I was deeply depressed and Mike, though he tried to appear strong, was hurting also. My daughter decided to move back to Alabama, after feeling that she "just don't belong". Our hearts were broken and our home was childless.
Through all the heartache, our love remained strong. We began to piece of lives back together. I worked at a special needs nanny for almost 2 years and then we took a job as newspaper carriers. This allowed us to work together in the mornings and keeping both jobs quickly became overwhelming for me. I left my 20+ year run as a nanny to spend more time with my husband on our route. Our routes were changed, leaving us unemployed and falling behind financially for three weeks.
In an awesome turn of events, we were blessed with a much nice, easier route and the best "bossman", friend, that anyone could ask for!
Shortly after receiving notice of the new route, my daughter asked to return to Florida - this time she's home to stay!
We just celebrated our first Christmas as a family and are looking forward to an awesome new year! Mike and I will never give up hope that we are meant to be parents again and I believe that time is coming sooner than later.
Faith, Hope, and Rainbows ~
