What are they seeing?

When I was in school, no boys took interest in me........ever. I dated men. My first boyfriend was 23, my second even older (though I can't remember how old), and then I married at 18 to a 23 year old. I never felt pretty or even remotely likable...still don't. I had crushes but boys were mean, really mean to me. I was "four eyes", "dog face", and "little orphan annie" for most of my school years.

Then about the time I moved back to Alabama, I was about 22 probably, I began to get stalkers. One stalker had to have the police called on him, another lost his job because I reported him.
The most recent thing is being "hit" on. That's pretty much been going on for the past 4 years. That's about the time I really began to get into shape after the injury and being in bed for so long. 

Since I was then married, I never went out without my wedding ring and even then guys would ask if I were "happily married". I always said I was. I always believed I could be. Still, I didn't like being "hit" on. It made me feel bad. 

The attack I survived.......well it changed me. I don't just naively trust people, especially men. Admittedly I was sucked in by a person that I'd gone to school with, but after several weeks I woke up and realized what was really going one. I was about to get seriously hurt and hate myself in the process! 

Soooo all of this "hitting" on me continues, day in and day out it seems and all I really wonder is.......why? 

Today I sat in front of the mirror for a long time. In the quiet I could hear kids barking at me and calling me ugly. Then I could hear my stbx telling me that I was fat and lazy and not worthy to be loved or appreciated. I stared at that mirror for a long time, but I never could see past all that I've ever seen.........just a girl who wasn't born to be loved and has never been and will never be "the pretty one". 

So I guess when I hear a compliment, I'm just going to assume that man to be a total sex crazed jerk. Then I'll politely thank him and keep walking. 

Someone told me I should be flattered. It isn't flattering. It's insulting. Since I have high standards and morals.......I'll probably be alone for a long, long, time. That makes me sad but it is what it is. And so long as I am alone, I'll question what they are seeing as they "hit" on me day in and day out. 

So yeah......I'm having a moment of frustration.....I'll get over it soon enough but yeah, I really just want someone to enjoy my company but that seems far from my reach right now. 

Oh and I won't have access to internet for a few days, so no blog until probably sometime next week. Taking a trip to my "home town" and I honestly have no idea why. LOL just seems like I need to do that for some reason.....