I was taught, no trained, not to dream and I was reminded daily of every mistake or wrong turn I ever made. The negative words went from coming from my father to coming from my husband (along with just about everyone else). I took in all of this negativity and though I wanted to believe the words found in the Bible and great music, it was just so hard!
Now my life has been shaken once again. I find myself in unfamiliar territory. I had a lot of time to think this past weekend. I realized that my problem didn't lie in the fear of being alone, being a single mom, or even having to make it in this world with very little outside help, my problem was in the fear. Goodness knows I've known fear!
This fear was different. It was a nagging fear that I was drifting or possibly even running from God again. I know I'm nothing without Him. I had tried life on the run and I had scratched and clawed my way back and even written about the journey in the process. I could not, not, not stand the thought that I was losing faith and struggling so much just to believe in the truth I've always known!
I tried to get into the Word but I kept running into the same verses, of which I can't recall at this moment and I'm on borrowed internet so I don't have my Bible here. I highlighted the verse of hope and read them again and again. Then I spent all of Sunday-Tuesday morning listening to the music and really trying to believe the lyrics!
On Tuesday morning, I felt as if I was driving to a friend or family member's funeral. I was laying my marriage, a former love, hopes, and dreams to rest. It was sad. As I pulled into my parking place, I was quickly awakened as he opened the passenger side of my car and handed me a check. Out of respect, I simply asked him if it was good for me to cash immediately. He became very offensive and hateful and reminded me why we were doing this!
I followed him to the lawyer's office and he parked parrallel which I have such a problem with! Not having great vision and all. We had a brief moment of him pushing me around with his truck and once parked he slammed his door and marched into the office. There in the waiting room he decided that since we haven't spoken in a couple of weeks, he would lay into me. I didn't stoop to his level.
Once with the lawyer, the legalities were explained as he sat there nodding like he's the #1 Dad of the universe. Again, I tried not to stoop to the level of rolling my eyes like I wanted to ;) I gazed outside the window a bit, closed my eyes to fight back tears when the lawyer described how he felt about the children he supported, then came the number.
Once the exact dollar sign was announced, the super dad went out the window and the true colors began to shine - in forms of the red that was crossing his face. At the next lawyer's office, he really laid into me stating his refusal to pay for car insurance, maintenance, and cell phones.....so I reminded him that the check he had given me was a little short. He went on and on about not paying for any of his daughter's expenses outside of what was being forced and with the lawyer on the opposite side of the door, he was just being his true self.
One everything was signed, we went back to the first office and I was dreading more great daddy talk but to my surprise, it was about me. I was asked what I do for a living and when I sheepishly admitted that I was a nanny and saw the disgust cross my stbx' face, the lawyer began to talk about how great and important he believed nannies were in childrens' lives and he just went on and on for a while, which, I just really needed to hear.
So the divorce is filed, the child support is mandatory and set to be automatically taken from his pay, and he wrote the overage check out. So a bank account that was literally $1.44 from the red, is ready to provide my angel with the necessities and our home is filled with love and peace to grow on.
It was all so surreal and awesome that it still feels like a dream. I was able to pay up our electricity that was low and I purchased electric blankets. Today's the first day in a long time that I awoke with very little muscle pain. I slept well knowing that we're going to be okay but mostly because that fear I had has faded and I'm finally starting to understand that I may not matter to anyone else in this whole world, but I matter to God.
On another note, my neighbor showed herself to be high strung, rude, and just not a nice person to deal with. Apparently my daughter isn't allowed to walk near the water because we are on the low rent side? I can think of a million nicer ways she could have said it, but she opted for the most hateful way possible and I don't think I want to know her much.
Oh and when asked when he would like to see his daughter, he said he's working nights the next three weeks and that she can call him when she wants to see him......I tried.......
Oh yeah and before I forget, I stopped off the side of the road to capture Monday's sunset on the water.
I pray for you daily Lisa, I believe God is going to show you amazing things, not by might or power, but by His Spirit saith the Lord. It will not be easy, but He will do above all we ask or think. I am upholding Him to this for you. I weep with you as Romans 12:15 states. The pictures you took even after enduring what you did are truly a gift.
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