Worry

I stayed up all night pretty much, just worried. I guess this is what he meant when he said "your free ride is over". He gets to sit back and be a bachelor with no worries as a husband or father anymore, and I sit up at night worrying. Here's just a few of the worries that crossed my mind.........

How will I pay off the hospital alone?
Will this trailer survive straight line winds?
She's going to need a college tuition in a few years. How can I save for college when I can't pay an ER bill from 2010?!
What about prom?
What if my car breaks down?
What about home school books for high school?
How will I pay the bills and still have savings?
She's going to get married someday......I want her to have a wedding! How can I pay for a wedding?!? What if I ever meet someone and remarry? Who would want me? I wasn't good enough for him.......who would want me now? Gosh I feel old! 


So about 1am I decided I'd read my "Chicken Soup for the Divorced Soul". I really thought this would inspire and encourage.....wrong! The first two stories were all about the amazing support from friends and family.......UGH!  So, after being reminded just how alone I am, I started working on the Dave Ramsey workbook for finances....It sucked. Nuff said.


I tried again to sleep but felt that my heart was going to beat out of my chest so I took some muscle relaxers and crashed for a couple of hours. I was wide awake again by 5am. I decided that even though we don't have much, I want to appreciate what little we have! I set out to clean my car. Hmmmmm 9 library books on the floor board. I expected once I removed the books to find floor board...Instead I found trash and LOTS of it! In fact, it appeared that my child and her friend who likes to sit in my car, had trashed it! 


I admit, I was boiling mad! I had to sit in the car and wait it out a few minutes before I approached my daughter. I got her up and out of bed, giving her 5 minutes (timed) to get ready and outside cleaning my car! It was a fabulous start to our morning, truly. 


There's no "wait until I tell your dad" or "I wonder what Daddy will have to say about this". Nope its just me and her and I am not going to be disrespected or have my few belongings trashed. This evening, given we're not huddled in the bath tub praying away tornadoes, we're going to clean our trailer one end to another and organize everything. She's just been very lax about picking up or putting away. It is so frustrating! 


Worry - If I had to describe being a single mom in one word, I would say worry. I should be saying faith, but I'm just being honest here. I'm worried, all the time, worried. 


Occasionally, my heart rate slows enough for me to enjoy the beauty around me. The sun still rises and sets. I still enjoy capturing the beauty with my camera. My daughter enjoys being as far away from me as humanly possible for a 12 year old!