Giving my all and for what?

My frustrations carried throughout the night. I spoke with, probably my one and only true friend. They read my status on facebook and decided to check in on me. We talked for a long time about not caring what others think, who claims to be a friend and then leaves, who likes my photography page, who views my content, who reads my writing. I understand the just of what my friend is saying, but I see it differently. 

If I'm giving my all to everyone and nobody seems to care if I exist or not, well then, it all seems like a waste to me. Much like the wasted 14 years believing that God would heal a marriage just to be rejected and thrown away. Not to mention, the views I used to get helped pay for gas for the car and funded special trips to take more pictures. Now?.....Everything just feels like a failure right now. 

There's also something else that bothers me a lot. Its that song :( "Million Pieces" by the newsboys. It was my favorite! Then it was playing as I escaped from the p assault and it's never been the same song since. Last night I tried really hard. I waited until my daughter was sleeping and took my mp3 into a quiet room. I listened to other songs that trigger previous events, and I felt a little sad so then I listened to happier memory songs. I then played "Million Pieces" and immediately had a panic attack. I was so frustrated with myself that I listened to it, or parts of it, 4 more times! Each time I just felt drawn back  and overwhelmed by the pain and fear of that day.

I'm a very patient person, except when dealing with myself. I became very angry with myself. This all seems so stupid! To think that this song that meant SO much to me is now lost in some disturbing knot of memories. I can handle sad feelings from time to time but the panic is just too much. At some point after midnight I went to my couch and set the mp3 to playing all the newsboys. I fell asleep pretty quick but as soon as "MP" came around I nearly jumped out of my skin! 

I kept thinking about how depressing Wednesday night was and how I felt like a complete screwed up, hopeless mess when I left. Then I thought about my friend telling me that nothing is wrong with me. Then I tried to think about scriptures that would strengthen my thinking. Then I accidentally rolled over on the mp3, "MP" started and I startled again! Grrrrr I was so angry with myself that I wanted to throw my mp3.....except that I love it too much. 

I went to sleep listening to RED. I woke up listening to RED. I got ready listening to RED. 


Funny thing is, the song running through my head right now is actually "Million Pieces". Even now there's a hint of that sinking feeling, without the music, but there's also a tiny hint of joy which is what the song meant before. It doesn't seem like much, but I find it a little hopeful.

So even though I feel like giving up, I feel like deleting myself from the internet, I feel like secluding myself from the world, I guess I'll just keep giving it my all and not give up on myself.