~reflecting on goodbyes~

"Good-bye" is something that I'm all too familiar with hearing. It's reached a point of, living for the day, acknowledging the day, but never counting on tomorrow. For some strange reason, I let myself believe that marriage would always have tomorrow unless death got in the way, but I was mistaken.


I 'm hearing "good-bye" once again. Looking back, over just the past year, I've heard it a lot and in some cases it was implied but never spoken. I heard the same words over and over again. "If you need someone, I'm here." But those words mean little to me when spoken. They must be shown! Hearing that I'm "beautiful" or "pretty" or "gorgeous", they don't get through at all. I wish I could see it, but I look in the mirror and I still hear my dad telling me that I'm trash and my husband telling me that I'm fat and lazy and the church telling me that I'm a jezebel. 


So on reflecting on goodbyes, I reflect on about a dozen "friends" from last year alone who spoke words they either didn't mean, or realized once they saw the core of me, that I'm too damaged to be loved. My husband called me "dented used goods", implying that not only am I used and unlovable, but my brain injury and ptsd makes me that much more worthless. 


When I was in high school, during the time my dad called me trash, my mother had also said something to me that I still hold onto. I was telling her about someone who liked me and she said "just wait until they get to know you, then they won't". I'm not sure why she said that, I thought I was a good kid, but those words stuck with me. 


Then anytime after anyone befriended me, I would wait......In my head the old records playing as they still do today, just wait until you get to know me. Usually I'm right. There have been a few exceptions, "Momma" Donna, and my brother n law were friends until they died and I have one true blue, call on me anytime friend who I call my big brother. They waited, they got to know me, they have laughed with me, they have cried with me, and they still loved me.


It's a rare quality to find, someone honest and sincere. So I've learned to embrace those days of "hellos", hold onto them as a deep treasure, breathe in the freshness of the gentle breezes, be refreshed by the cool streams, celebrate each sunrise, and know that the sunset may come, but the memory will last a lifetime.....


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Daily Stresses
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My head in the clouds post aside, I got in a very good workout last night, almost half of what I did before the brain injury, impressive. I was at half when I fell down the stairs last year and was terrified when my recovery regressed but it seems I'm stronger now and coming back faster. I slept very well, very soundly, but I awoke to worrying about the uncertainty of our future. I'm not working enough days and I fear I'm going to have to stop helping others and start worrying about getting a paycheck or disability. 


Damn! I'd hoped it wouldn't come to this.......I feel like such a failure!