~beyond my control~

I awoke today feeling a little down. It dawned on me how much in my life has been beyond my control, so much sadness and pain,, hurt and struggle. It's been so hard and everything was so out of control, that I took control of what I could. No worries, I don't fear that I'll go back on a promise, but I would like to feel in control of something!


My childhood was beyond my control, the words spoken, the physical hurts, I had no say it what went on. My teen years, if possible, were more harmful than my childhood years because of the things said and done and the things I'm living with the results of today and probably for all of my days. Losing my health was beyond my control, losing my sense of security and safety was beyond my control. All of these things, and I hate going into a victim mentality here, but these things were robbed of me! 


I feel now that my marriage has been robbed of me. 


My mind though, I thought I had control of my mind. I truly did. I knew the instant that I sat and watched a sunset with a secret longing in my heart, that my heart was in trouble! I knew in that moment that I had lost control of my thoughts, they were wandering aimlessly about and dragging my heart along with them. I saw it coming, but it seemed to be beyond my control. 


Today, I wouldn't say I'm sad or depressed because I'm certainly not. I am down though. I'm down and I'm disappointed in myself for not being stronger in my thoughts. I've always been that strong one that everyone runs to and I don't mind being that person,not at all, but this past week, I lost all sense of strength. I sat back and watched in horror as my mind left me and my heart tagged along, closer towards the edge of the cliff- 


Thankfully, I was able to regain my voice before the jump to nowhere could occur, but I am filled with a deep inner sadness because it is what it is. No hoping and wishing upon stars for anything different will make it anything different and if it ever is, well, then it may be too late for me---again.