2 weeks have passed.......

It's been two weeks since I came home to an email requesting divorce from my husband of 13 years. He sent our daughter to her room and we briefly discussed it. Basically I told him I wanted my daughter and my dog and he said I could have anything I wanted if I would just leave.


I walked into my daughter's room, and she told me that she already knew. Then she asked "what's he going to do, just throw us out on the street?!" I explained to her that we'd be living in the same apartment, just separate rooms and that as soon I could, I would get us out of here. She and I tried to go on with the Christmas celebration, after all, she and I have always celebrated Christmas without his participation, but this year was just sad. We didn't want to celebrate where we felt so unwanted so we packed up a small tree and gifts and headed to the only parent I have, my soon to be x mother n law. 


We couldn't escape the sadness though. She and her sister were back and forth to the hospital as their mother gradually fades away at the age of 93. The grief was heavy as I remembered losing my own mother on Christmas Eve and now my marriage is ending and I never saw it coming, as we were finally working things out, happy, and I was making more money. I thought that's what he wanted. Heck, I think that's what he thought he wanted. 


My mother n law wanted to talk about food stamps, housing, me moving back to my home town and becoming a nurse. I wanted to drive out into the middle of nowhere and hide. I took my girl with me. First we visited her great granny in the hospital, and then we drove all the back roads I'm most familiar with and looked at lights. A few times, I was hit with mysterious memories that I couldn't solve. I was remembering someone very special, but my mind wouldn't wrap around a name or face. Amnesia is so much fun! NOT! I now know who that person is but for their privacy I won't mention them here. It's good to remember, but lets just say my track record with holidays is not pretty :(  Part of me wishes holidays just didn't exist. You build up expectations of something good and then something horrible happens and your expectations come crashing  down......again.


So I survived Christmas. It was so hard seeing him there. He came in and I stood at the door, realizing there wasn't going to be a kiss hello, and I mustered up the strength and voice to tell him good morning and he couldn't even return that much to me. I went into the guest room and cried, like I am now, remembering that moment.


I know I've been pleading my innocence for years. I really didn't do drugs or drink or have sex in high school. I was punished severely for all three but I didn't do any of it. I really didn't have an affair with a pastor. He tried to rape me and would have had I not escaped. I really didn't purposely drive my family into poverty believing my God would give me a purpose higher than disability. Neither my pastor or my doctor would help me fight for disability and I just wanted to believe my life still had meaning. 


and now........


I really can't think of anything that I've done to deserve this pain.


For thirteen and a half years I woke at 3am to cook breakfast or stayed up until 2am to cook dinner. Whatever shift he worked, I made sure he had two hot meals plus a full lunch. Sure, I'd mess up. I burned some food. I forgot to pack sauces in the lunch box. I forget a lot. But......no matter what he called me, did to me, said to our daughter, I loved him. I tried to be the wife that I felt he needed me to be but somewhere along the way he gained so much control that I was no longer his wife, just a doormat that he wiped his muddy boots on. Through it all, I believed he could and would someday change.....that day never came.......


So, two weeks later, I'm still praying for a miracle. I don't pray that God would save my marriage anymore. I don't want it. I pray that God would provide a safe home for my daughter and I to get on with our lives in peace. 


I face New Years alone, but this isn't the first time. There were many times I would set up a romantic new year celebration just to have him go out with friends and leave me behind. I don't think I'll toast to anything, countdown the minutes, or even make a resolution. I just want to forget this year happened.