a rough day.....explained

Today was a rough day and though I'm still strangely happy, I am beside myself with emotions over some thoughts I'm having. There's certain places my mind shouldn't travel, but it does, and when it does, I usually end up hating myself afterwards....the only way I can seem to explain this, is in this chapter from my book. (sorry I didn't change the format, its choppy for my book pages)


Chapter 15
The Battle
“Come!” He calls, as lightening flashes across the sky.
I want to shout out at Him with anger. All I can do is sigh deeply. The rage consumes me like a monstrous sea. It dares me to try to break free. Being frustrated and dis-couraged, I fall to the ground. A heavy rain pours. I reach for the wall. The wall is too slick. I cannot keep my grip. My feet sink into the mud as my hands start to slip. I try re-peatedly to raise myself above. My strength is not enough.
I fight against the impossible, trying to hold it all in. I realize I am a goner, drowning in my own sin. The rain falls so relentlessly that it is hurting my head. I know now it is life I desire, for inside I feel dead.
I struggle to move forward, wading through the mud below. From a distance, I can still hear His voice. He is say-ing, "It is time to let it all go!”
Let it all go? I can’t fathom the thought. It's time to let go of the lies I have bought. With the anticipation of a life of freedom just within my sight, I force myself up and pre-pare for this fight. I stand facing the half-broken wall. I clench my fists and become more determined than ever to see it fall. “Anger, hate, frustration, rage, there is no place for you! I refuse this guilt and shame in my life. I throw off this cloak of grief too!”
Through the pouring rains and clashes of thunder, I hear Him say “Yes, My child, come!”
A violent wind picks up. I am forced to the ground and the familiar voice of insult, tosses me around. My feet lose their hold on the ground as a jagged piece of wall cuts into my skin, just above my brow. I feel the pull as I am being dragged down. The pain is so intense. Something squeezes tightly around my throat. I cannot make a sound. Claws dig deep into my back. I try to scream. No sound is heard. Darkness grips my head so tight; it causes my neck to bend. Relentless pain falls and I fear this will be the end.
From deep within, I hear my heart’s cry, “My Lord will not forsake!”
I know that something has to break before I am carried away one last time. I raise my hands toward the sky. Quickly, they fall back down. I fight against what is holding me back. My weakened voice proclaims, “My God does not forsake!”
I can feel the burn as my sweat intertwines with my blood. I scrape with all my strength to find a grip and stand. Then I declare again, “My God does not forsake!”
A dark blanket, heavy as lead, falls upon my face. My strength fades quickly as darkness takes its place. I feel every moment of misery cutting me like a knife. All at once, I am traumatized by years of painful strife. This evil, forces me to my knees, ignoring my pleas for mercy. I feel like a victim of circumstance. My mind is locked in yester-day’s trance. I am forced to experience all that I have been running from, trying to escape. Bloody and broken, I lie in the tragedy of yesterday’s pain.
He firmly tells me, “Come!”
I scream silent screams as the claws dig deeper into my
back. I feel the blood trickling down my face and arms. I don’t know if I will survive this attack. I fight with all that I have left. I kick with all my strength. Both of my hands are forced down along with my head, I am struggling not to drown. Then, when I feel there’s nothing more I can do...I feel the force of the wall crumble as my foot breaks through.
I raise my head, gasping and choking for a breath. I realize I am escaping the grip of death. I pull the blanket of death from my face. I fight through the trauma of yester-day. I pound. I claw. I ignore the pain as I beat against the wall, giving Him my utmost all.
The rain pounds. Feelings, emotions, images, and sounds, all threaten to pull me back down. “No!” I try to scream. “I can take no more! I trust You, Lord! I give You my all!”
The pain intensifies as I feel myself fall through the wall. I collapse into His waiting arms, broken and bleeding from it all.