Searching for a bright side

I'm up at midnight on a Sunday, I've been up for over an hour crying, just trying to muster up the strength to do this. Current Feelings are:


I hate him. He's throwing me away just like my parents did when I was 17. I just hate him and its going to take a while for me not to hate him. 


So on searching for a bright note, my daily energy use so far has been .44 to run the fridge. Since there is no heat or air and I most likely will not be lounging around enjoying my "home" often, my goal is to keep power at $2.00 a day or less. I'm waiting to see what yesterday's balance was. We used A LOT of hot water, shop vacuumed everything in sight, and tested most of the lights. 


I'm sad and angry about this move. I know my attitude stinks. I just cannot seem to get with it. I'm hoping that by thoroughly cleaning, that I can get rid of the bug infestation problem that place has and run out the mice in the process. I am annoyed, frustrated, angry at myself for relying so fully on a man, and hating my stbx. 


I know I'm down, but I will get back up. It's just been shocking to have to move back to a trailer park after enduring the things I did growing up in one. This trailer reminds me so much of the one I grew up in. While I was cleaning yesterday, I kept imagining my mom living there. Sitting, eating, watching tv, screaming, cursing, having her mood swings --------------------------------------------------I felt  the rage, I saw the bugs, I cleaned the filth, I didn't want this for my precious girl.........


I just hate him.