Yesterday, seemingly out of nowhere, I was struck with grief from my dying marriage. He said something about staying up until midnight and I said "well maybe you have something to look forward to this year."
He said, "well maybe I do!" and closed his door.
Strange illustration, but mild example of how my brain works, but anyone remember the entrance to Stone Cold Steve Austin when everything crashed at once? That's how my heart felt when he said that. In my head I heard Steve's entrance sound and then the next moment I found myself sobbing on the kitchen floor with a spoon filled with chocolate cake icing (right out of the tub) in my hand!
I only allowed myself one teaspoon of pity icing and then the tears came. Ya know the tears I've been holding back for 2 weeks, trying to be strong for my girl? Yeah those are the ones.
*Note to self* add more tissue to shopping list
Ugh! It was horrible and once I finally got control of myself, he walks through the living room and whispered "whatcha doin?" just like everything is fine and he didn't stop loving me. I started crying again so I grabbed my tissue box, ran into the bathroom, sat in the dark and cried. I cried so heavily that my daughter slammed her bedroom door shut but it was some time before I could compose myself enough to check on her.
Finally the crying stopped and I kissed her cheek and apologize for "losing it" as she says. Oh yeah, I lost it all right!
When I finally get to sleep, I never expected the dream I received, but it dried my tears and woke me this morning with a smile.
It's as if I was visited by an angel last night. Two angels actually. In the dream I was sitting on a bed, but the bed was outside. I sat on a bed shivering and crying. Some people rode by and shouted out ugly things to me and I shrugged them off , then a vehicle drove by my bed. I can only describe this vehicle as some sort of white parade float looking thing. It moved very fast but while stopped at the light beside my bed.
A young man with blond hair leaped from the back of the vehicle and ran my way with a young woman with blond hair following. They were like kids, older than my 12yr old, but not adults. Their presence silenced the hateful words being thrown at me and time seemed to stop while they were with me. They both glowed brightly and gave off warmth. The young man told me not to cry, that I'm going to be okay, and then he kissed me, and was gone. The young lady held my hand and her warmth flowed through me. Then she wrapped her arms around me, hugged me tight, and told me to enjoy the next year and all it brings. Then she, realizing her ride had left her, laughed at herself, and I smiled, then she ran a few feet away and vanished right before my eyes.
I just smiled, curled up into my warm bed (which I don't have by the way) and drifted back to sleep.
So, I don't know what that was all about, but I imagine just like with any grief, and I do understand grief quite well, I can expect waves to knock me down. I just have to make sure I get back up each time they do.
The New Year has begun & it's time for me to embrace it. The next few months are going to be hard. He behaves as if nothing is wrong and insists he do all the cooking & cleaning - perhaps if he'd lifted a pinky to help over the last 13yrs than maybe I wouldn't have been so tired and forgetful all the time.
Financially - So far I have $176 for savings. I haven't worked my job since everyone is on break, but my online earnings have accumulated. This is not cashed out, but accumulated over various sites I work. By the way, Thanks so much for the views! I won't share exactly how much I need, because I think seeing it in big numbers will freak me out, but, My first goal is $1,000 by March. Let's see how close I can get. If you'd like to help, my albums are to your right, click and open individual images and I'll earn by your daily views.
Thanks for following this journey & Happy 2012 to you!
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